I have so many (count: 2) solid goals for 2018! And then a resolution, whatever a “resolution” is. I figure nobody cares what the fuck I’m doing with my life this year, we’re all too wrapped up in our own shit and the shit of the world, but I’m writing this for MYSELF and my mom.
Goal #1: Write a New Book!
Specifically, the first draft of a novel. I’ve written only one complete book in my life, the novel I wrote for my master’s dissertation. It’s probably never going to be exactly the way I want it — let alone get published — and I have the itch to write fiction again after a stint of non-fiction, so it feels like it’s time to start a new project!
My last book was a fantasy romance with some heavy-handed intrigue thrown in, so I’m thinking something different this time: a sci-fi romance with some heavy-handed intrigue thrown in.
The book is something I’m really not pressuring myself to make perfect; I just want to tell a fun story. I’m not trying to write the next great American novel, whatever the fuck that means. My aesthetic ideal is to write a book that feels like Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (underrated film, how many times I gotta tell you), Tanith Lee’s Silver Metal Lover, and A Knight’s Tale all combined to create a book love child.
Let’s be honest here! I want to write the book that I wish already existed so I could read it. Isn’t that what we all want, as writers? To indulge ourselves with no regard for what our audience might read? No? Well, I’m doing it.
I truly am excited about writing fiction again! It will give me something to work toward, because I’m nothing if not a goal-oriented automaton, so this will be good for me in 2018. Wish me luuuuck!
Goal #2: Get a Hot Boyfriend!
The “hot” part of this is absolutely imperative. I won’t settle for just any boyfriend. He needs to be at least a Los Angeles 7 (that’s a Midwestern 9-10, for those doing hotness math), with good hair and nice eyes. I have very strict criteria for potential boyfriends, including:
- He must be able to make me laugh. (VERY IMPORTANT)
- He can’t be shorter than 5’9″ I don’t make the rules.
- He must be a goddamn feminist, why is this a CRITERION I NEED TO LIST.
- He must be willing to bring me Coke Zero from the fridge at any moment.
- He must dress well! This is serious!
- He needs to loooove Pacific Rim.
Okay I really only have one true criterion, and it’s the height thing.
JUST KIDDING, it’s not! No, it’s really the height thing.
Okay but in all honesty, I’m tired of being lonely! That’s all there is to it. I’m ready to find someone equally boring to spend my time with, doing boring shit like playing video games and watching movies and trying new restaurants and annoying each other because we know exactly how to get under the other person’s skin (in a fun way). I miss having a companion, a built-in support system, and someone who I can kiss whenever I want.
Bring him to me, 2018! Bring me the hot boyfriend of my dreams.
Resolution?
I’m not sure you’d consider this a resolution, but near the end of 2017 and going into 2018, I’ve realized some things about myself. I talked about them in earlier posts, which I’m too lazy to link to (I’ve written like 3 things here, you can easily scroll down), but essentially I’m ready to shed my bitter armor and become a more genuine and vulnerable Meg.
Up until a few years ago, I always thought of myself as very prone to falling in love, idealistic, and emotional, which I was proud of. But over the years I closed myself off a bit; shied away from situations that could make me vulnerable or in a position to be hurt by someone else; and fully believed that the best, strongest, and happiest version of myself was the version who was totally alone.
I was such a dumbass!
The strongest version of me is the one who embraces her compassion and vulnerability, who opens herself up to people and accepts them as they are. It’s the version of me who loves easily and forgives easily, and relies on loved ones for support.
Being alone can feel empowering — independence is amazing! It’s an incredible feeling to know that I moved from Portland to Los Angeles all on my own, got a job here, rented a place, and settled in, all on my own! I got help from friends along the way, of course, but by and large I’ve been operating a one-woman show for almost five years now. It has been rewarding in so many ways, but it’s also been isolating, difficult as fuck, painful, lonely, and interminable.
I’m ready to rely on someone else again.
There’s this general societal consensus that doing things alone or independently is somehow the apex of human achievement, that it’s true self actualization to be able to conquer life’s difficulties completely on one’s own. But you know what I’ve learned after months of self reflection, Michael Stuhlbarg’s monologue from the end of Call Me By Your Name, and a very insightful self help book? Opening yourself up to love — and resulting pain — is a good thing. It’s normal for humans to need and want companionship. We are built to work together, to support each other, to build relationships and families.
So I’m adopting the rejected “Twenty Mate-teen: Stronger Together” motto from MBMBAM as my personal creed for 2018. I’m doing it!
And as scary as it may be (it’s fucking terrifying), I’m going to be kind, genuine, and emotionally open to others this year. I’m going to rely on the love of my friends and family, and I’m gonna do my best to be the truest version of myself for that hot hot boyfriend when he finally bursts through the door of my life, Kramer-style.
Because I’m fucking 31, bitches, and I’m too old (too young?) to be holding grudges and cackling bitterly on craggy peaks. I gotta own who I am, and if it hurts, so be it.
Fuck it! It’s 2018!
meg smitherman 