what I want



I complain about “getting old” a lot, and bring attention to my age all the time, in large part because I’m insecure about it and I figure if I broadcast all of my insecurities to the world, then nobody can use them against me. Other times it’s just great for punch lines on Twitter, like, “haha I’m 30 now, I like to buy curtains instead of party! lol get it! I’m old!” But for real, my 30s have been my best decade. I know that’s a bold statement as I’m only 31, but I’ve never felt more comfortable, confident, and sure of who I am and what I want. Also, I’m the most medicated I’ve ever been. Coincidence? You decide!

I do fucking hate my grey hairs though. Can those just fuck off forever?? Thanks! Fucking coarse curly motherfuckers, like shiny white head pubes! I HATE THEM. FUCK, kids, don’t ever get old.

Haha anyway, I love being 31! Joking aside (am I joking?), I do love learning more about myself the older I get. Just recently, I learned the value of knowing exactly what I want, and knowing where I won’t make compromises.

You know the guy I mentioned in a couple previous posts, the one I liked? Well, it didn’t work out. It’s for the best, it’s okay! We just discovered a major incompatibility early on that would have led to misery down the line, and agreed that we’d both be happier in the long run if we were just friends.

It sucks massive balls, and I may have cried about it during my commute while listening to The National. But I’m honestly glad that things turned out the way they did.

In all two of my past relationships, I made all kinds of compromises. Loads of ’em! I’m not even sure I liked my first boyfriend as a person let alone a serious romantic partner, but I dated him for almost two years anyway. My second relationship was a cascading landslide of compromises, and then suddenly I was 27 and ready to marry a 6’3″ 150 lb compromise.

Four years after our breakup, I can clearly see what wasn’t working. With my 20/20 hindsight, I can lay out item after item for past Meg as reasons why she should have broken up with him sooner. But I was young! This was my first life run-through, and ultimately, I didn’t know what I needed most from romantic relationships. Now, having experienced that misery scenario and come out on the other side with some bumps and bruises, I can confidently say that I know exactly what I don’t want.

In relationships, sometimes knowing your deal breakers is more important than knowing your wishlist. Someone unexpected could make you happy, but if you know what makes you miserable, that’s not going to change. For anyone.

If I was 19 again, or even 23 again, I may have tried to make things work with this boy. I might have pushed my needs to the back burner, made room for his needs, and suffered for a few years, all the while hoping things might get better. Which would’ve been fine, honestly! Torturous, but understandable. When you’re young, you make all sorts of dumbass mistakes and learn from them. That’s the point of youth. But I’m older now, practically one foot in the grave, and I just don’t have the time to wait around and hope for things that will never happen. I know better.

And I know now, for certain, what I want. I’m finally confident enough to voice those wants, at the ripe age of 31, because I refuse to waste a second on people or situations that I know are going to make me unhappy.

I’m still extremely bummed, though. I’m so disappointed that this romance was cut short before it could even really begin. So much potential, so much excitement, gone just like that. But the pain now is so indescribably less than the pain I would have felt had I let this go on for months, or even years. I’m so relieved that we discovered this early on, and I’m so glad that we’re still friends.

Buuuut it sucks! It really, really sucks.

I gotta say, though, I’m proud of myself for recognizing what I need in a relationship and not backing down from that. It wasn’t easy to do, and I wasn’t even sure I had it in me. But I shouldn’t have questioned myself; I know what I want. I’m old and greying and I know what the fuck I want. No more compromises.

2 thoughts on “what I want

  1. This blog should be mandatory reading for 19 year olds. It took me a long time to realize that you can’t change the other person and more importantly that they can’t really change you. Of course 19 year olds think they know everything (like I did when I was that age) so they wouldn’t listen anyways. As I get older I start to find the spoken word song “everybody’s free to wear sunscreen more and more true. Good luck on your quest now that you know both what you want and what you want, and what you won’t put up with.

    Liked by 1 person

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