more of the same

My neck has been feeling steadily better, which is amazing. But I had expected that when it happened, I’d be so overcome with gratitude and joie de vivre that I’d be in some kind of manic bliss mode for at least a little while. Not the case! Instead I feel like… okay, I feel physically better, so what now?

I very often get these fits of mild depression and feeling stuck, or unsatisfied/bored/frustrated with where I’m at in life despite nothing being wrong. I don’t know whether it’s a combination of leftover pandemic fatigue, work exhaustion, or what. I’ve been writing bits of fiction pretty regularly, but it’s all bad and none of it interests me. I could force myself to write, but I think I just don’t have the right idea yet.

So in the meantime I feel stagnant, like I need to do something to move my life forward, but I just don’t know what.

Next week Adam and I are taking a staycation and being tourists in our own city, which will be so much fun. It’s technically to celebrate my birthday, but we also desperately need a vacation. I’m hoping it’ll lift my spirits, and in the meantime it gives me something to look forward to.

Ultimately I’m just so tired of these little depression episodes that plague me no matter where I am in life. They’re so mild — I’m totally functional, just vaguely bored and distant from everything that usually interests me — but they cast a pall over everything. Do I need a new book to read? I can’t focus on the one I’m reading now. Do I need a new writing project? No idea what kind of story will interest me. Do I need to get a new job? Not unless it’s a full-time novel writing gig (in my literal dreams). I dunno man, I’m stuck and it’s a mystery and I feel low.

These posts have been pretty bleak lately, huh! I’m tired of it, and I imagine anyone reading this is tired of it too. I wish it was the weekend, aka the only time I feel like myself anymore.

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