I have the urge to write, but nothing seems to be coming out the way I want it to. So I’m writing here! Should I be working on this romantic comedy book I’m writing instead? Probably. Or should I be working on a new fantasy novel? Also, probably.
But let’s think of this blog as a little warm-up, a stretch before the real workout. Because it’s been weeks since I last wrote anything, and I need to get back in the groove.
Last time I wrote, I was on vacation a few weeks ago. And I knew that when I went back to work after that two weeks, I’d be quitting my job. I didn’t know exactly when, but I had already — I realize now — made the decision. I ended up putting in my notice the day I returned from vacation, and now I’m finally free. This is the first full week of my unemployment era! I can’t begin to express how it feels to be done with a job that was running me into the ground (both physically and mentally), especially since I haven’t really begun to process it yet.
As I was telling Adam last night, I think the next few weeks are going to be rough. The transition from working full-time to being unemployed won’t be easy or seamless. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I’ll be overwhelmed with gratitude and relief, knowing I don’t have a toxic job to go back to, knowing I can spend my free time writing, drawing, and doing whatever creative work I want. And then the next minute I’ll remember my ongoing workers’ comp case, or my neck pain will act up, and I’ll be crushed with overwhelming anxiety, fear of the unknown, fear that I’m going to fuck up this opportunity somehow.
Because it is an opportunity. My partner is supporting me while I take time to heal, write, rest, and think about what I want to do next. I mean, that’s a seriously fucking lucky situation. Not many people ever find themselves in a position to take time between jobs, to pursue a true passion, all without the specter of unpaid rent hanging over them. So with the knowledge that I’m extremely blessed comes the worry that I’ll somehow squander this time, waste it, when I could do so much with it.
See, this is what I mean! Typical Meg! I’m getting anxiety about everything that passes through my brain. Only I could manage to take a wonderful gift and turn it into something to worry about.
I think I might get back into bullet journaling. I want to organize my life, build a routine that I can get used to, because this bitch loves structure.
In the meantime, I am trying to remember that it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to take a little time to collect myself. I don’t need to dive immediately into the hustle, because the hustle is what broke me.
If you’re like me, you probably need a similar reminder. Let’s try to be kinder to ourselves, as hard as it is.
meg smitherman 