tale of neck woe

I’ve been posting about it on twitter and insta for weeks, mainly to vent and just get the thoughts out, so what better way to do so than blogging. I’ve been dealing with some pretty debilitating neck pain, migraines, and resulting nausea for the last couple of weeks. On Monday I finally went into my chiropractor for a full work-up and x-ray, and it turns out my neck is severely out of whack. My neck has basically become a straight angled line instead of a healthy curve, and as a result, some of the vertebrae are too close to each other and impinging on arteries/nerves and causing stomach issues and migraines. Fun!

It was a relief to find out that I’m not dying of a mysterious neurological disease, but along with learning the problem comes a whole lot of treatment. I’m going to be getting chiropractic care for the rest of the year (multiple times a week), plus weekly physical therapy, plus the daily use of a cervical traction device at home. No idea what that is? Me neither until yesterday! It’s like waist training but for your neck, gradually stretching it every day until it curves correctly. Fucking bizarre.

Other than the exorbitant cost (thank you, shitty work insurance for covering basically none of my treatment), I’m feeling really overwhelmed by the whole thing. Not only am I still having a hard time functioning because of my neck, I’m now gearing up for a 2021 full of medical treatment.

It sucks, it really sucks and I’m mad about it!

Today I was feeling a lot better in the morning, but as the day wears on I’m getting more and more uncomfortable with holding up my head. And I know it will be a long worthwhile process, but the idea of being only partly functional for another few weeks is getting to me. I had a long desperate cry yesterday because I’ve just not been able to live my life at all lately, and I hate that Adam has to take care of me, and I hate that I’ve not been as present for him as I should be due to the pain.

And on top of everything I have to work, which is literally the reason my neck pain was so exacerbated in the first place. I’m having a hard time not feeling deeply resentful, wishing I could just quit and write books and not sit at a stupid computer all day, straining my neck.

“But Meg if you wrote books all day you’d also be at a computer.” I mean yeah, but I wouldn’t be tied to it, and I could lie on the couch if I needed to. I could take it at my own pace and not feel beholden to anyone. But obviously that’s what we all want, and it’s silly to wish for things I’ll never have.

I’m just feeling pretty defeated lately, despite the fact that there’s a treatment plan in place and positive results already. Once I start feeling better I’m sure I’ll perk up, but in the meantime it’s 3:05 pm and I feel ready to lie down with a heating pad and cry.

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